You're very good at a game that I don't want to play.

"Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
'Cause hate in your heart will consume you too"

~Will Smith

Spike has been staked (see previous journal enteries) and I have some explaining to do to those who told me from the very begining that it was a bad idea to get involved with him. You were all right. He didn't deserve an inch of me, not even my friendship. I don't want to get into too much detail but I will say that his high and mighty attitude was laughable and so obnoxious that I'm surprised I didn't throw up. It's really comical that someone who has close to nothing feels the need to list what's wrong with my life. Not only do I have two successful careers and take care of myself but I AM LOVED. I have family and friends who stick by me no matter what. No one loves him and he's jealous.

Spike loves attention. Because of me he got professional photos done and I asked him to accompany me to an industry party and encouraged him to get a job, which he later did. Whenever he asked or needed companionship, I was there. When he wanted or asked for something I tried to make it happen. I spoiled him. Yes, there were times were he was good to me and took care of me. I will never deny that but in the end it started to feel like a one way street and his requests were unfair. It was all about him. I was starting to feel used and he flat out said he didn't care and not to bother him with how I felt. My emotions were my problem. I didn't react to what he deems appropriate (in his opinion) to a conversation we had (more so it was him telling me how things were going to be from now on) and it angered him. Sorry I'm not the brain dead Barbie doll you thought I was or your "puppet". Got tired of acting the way he wanted me to act.

Thing is, if he would have sat me down and had a real conversation about the topic, things would have been fine. It didn't have to end this way. But his asshole selfish approach killed everything. He doesn't know how to treat people.


Make your assumptions and accuse me of ridiculous things. Twist it however it pleases you. Beleive what you want. Tell yourself and those who listen, your side of the story cause I find that I don't care. And it's your warped version of the truth anyway.

Verbal punches were thrown. I laughed at most of them. In the end I told him he was a mistake, I wanted nothing to do with him, he didn't deserve me and to have fun being alone. Fuck buddies come and go. They either get sick of you or you get sick of them. It distracts you from the loneliness but it ALWAYS seeps back in. The emptiness is still there.

So guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to keep living my fabulous life. I'm going to keep modeling (an agency is demanding I sign with them BTW), cosplay, do shows, events and camera work. I will continue to hang out with my family and friends who cherish me. I'm going to date and socialize with fans. I'm going to be happy, healthy and will simply keep on living.